Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I have the option of staying on after my six month contract is up. Either for another six months, or to sign-up properly. With my finances and the economy as they are, this is a very obvious choice but it means I have to let go of any lingering "but I could do this... or this... or this... I could be here, or there... or maybe here would be better...." We were discussing this at Richard's last week. In a way I think this downturn is forcing our generation to be happy with what we've got. This whole concept of choice - do whatever you like - is becoming increasingly out of date. Who knows how things will look in a few months time.
I am enjoying my role, I like the company, I can see it will continue the move into a change-type/people development role. (And it's financial services, who'd have thought!) As a rule, people actually care about what they do, care about the company and want to make a difference. There isn't the same 'banging your head against a brick wall' feeling there was at BT. Although perhaps it's me that's changed. Jan told me last week that working with me now is entirely different. She'd hoped that may happen but hadn't realised just how much it was going to - she says the difference in my maturity levels, my confidence and my approach is huge.
Who'd have thought? The recipe for career success is to disappear around the world for the best part of a year and a half and then faff around up north for a few months....
Jan wonders if a big part of the change in me is as a result of coping with Toby's death and that time in my life. I'm sure it is. I still feel this guilt that I've not done enough since he died to make a meaningful contribution; it was - and still is - such a powerful feeling that I am alive and he isn't and I will do something meaningful with my life. But as Mum says: you're looking for some monumental changes right now but it's more about who and how you are as a person and how you approach making changes, it's a process. But my 35 year old head isn't very good with the process or with patience. It never has been.
So, looks like it's London for now. That's the part I'm not so sure about. All the schlepping around, the noise, the people, the lack of connection time. But on the other side: the energy, the enormous range of things to do, the mix of people. There's nowhere quite like it.
And even better, I realise I was running away from a lifestyle that just isn't there anymore. (Unless I want to be heading to Salvation on a Sunday via a lamppost, and I'm not sure they'd let me in...)
One is always quick to blame others for one's own poor choices. And running away isn't the answer. Here I am again, facing my age-old struggle with making choices and nailing my colours to the mast.
Oh, and I highly recommend hanging out with therapists when trying to make any decisions. It's proving to be a psychological Easter work out.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I was walking along Bishopsgate the other morning around 8am, tuned in to one of the tracks Russ put together for me: 'Blue Sky' by the Altman brothers. And for one moment I was back in the Utah desert with Sarah, Lee, Jane and Spence - open road and cold camping and cheap beer and a huge smile on my face post-Ben. A million miles away from me in my Paul Costello navy suit and heels checking the crackberry for the day's meetings.
And yet I'm enjoying it - I'm loving the role, it's great to be back with Jan, I have a bright team, there's huge amounts of change happening in the business and my programme is part of that...... Well, if there's one thing I do well, it's adapting.
However. A powder alert arrived in my in-box this morning - the Bird has had nearly 7 foot in the last 12 days. Dumping it down...... It really is the best place in the world to ski. Nowhere else consistently gets this type of snow on this kind of terrain. Dad was in France for a warm up the other week - everyone was going "wow" with a dusting.... and he thought "you have no idea."
This looks like it was taken around the 'Mach Schnell' part of the mountain... the only place that has Aspens. I still can't ski in tight trees.... sigh.....
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Aside from any of that, no more George W Bush. Thank goodness.
I'm struck that we can see the crash of the financial system followed by this inspirational news, all within six weeks or so. Times are a changing and we can - we must - make a contribution in whatever way is possible for us.
Oh, and of course I did cry when it was announced at around 4am. Pretty predictable really!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I am. I know he's not perfect, but he's the best chance for some change.
Think I may have to stay up and watch the victory. In fact I might even cry when he wins and I'm not African-American, or even American.
What we need is a similar evangelical, principled figure to shake up the British establishment. Perhaps that too will happen as we go into this downturn. I do hope we all become more involved as opposed to more individualistic and/or apathetic. Today, that's what I feel is happening within me. On days where 'THE FEAR' is paralysing me I'm just as self-obsessed as ever. Still, baby steps forward.