A few well-earned days off up north at my Mum's, heading down to Dad's today to meet the rest of the Grant clan. I was hoping for some peace and quiet with my coffee this morning but my cheeky little nephew heard me get up and has decided now is the time to squirt me with his water pistol.
I have the option of staying on after my six month contract is up. Either for another six months, or to sign-up properly. With my finances and the economy as they are, this is a very obvious choice but it means I have to let go of any lingering "but I could do this... or this... or this... I could be here, or there... or maybe here would be better...." We were discussing this at Richard's last week. In a way I think this downturn is forcing our generation to be happy with what we've got. This whole concept of choice - do whatever you like - is becoming increasingly out of date. Who knows how things will look in a few months time.
I am enjoying my role, I like the company, I can see it will continue the move into a change-type/people development role. (And it's financial services, who'd have thought!) As a rule, people actually care about what they do, care about the company and want to make a difference. There isn't the same 'banging your head against a brick wall' feeling there was at BT. Although perhaps it's me that's changed. Jan told me last week that working with me now is entirely different. She'd hoped that may happen but hadn't realised just how much it was going to - she says the difference in my maturity levels, my confidence and my approach is huge.
Who'd have thought? The recipe for career success is to disappear around the world for the best part of a year and a half and then faff around up north for a few months....
Jan wonders if a big part of the change in me is as a result of coping with Toby's death and that time in my life. I'm sure it is. I still feel this guilt that I've not done enough since he died to make a meaningful contribution; it was - and still is - such a powerful feeling that I am alive and he isn't and I will do something meaningful with my life. But as Mum says: you're looking for some monumental changes right now but it's more about who and how you are as a person and how you approach making changes, it's a
process. But my 35 year old head isn't very good with the process or with patience. It never has been.
So, looks like it's London for now. That's the part I'm not so sure about. All the schlepping around, the noise, the people, the lack of connection time. But on the other side: the energy, the enormous range of things to do, the mix of people. There's nowhere quite like it.
And even better, I realise I was running away from a lifestyle that just isn't there anymore. (Unless I want to be heading to Salvation on a Sunday via a lamppost, and I'm not sure they'd let me in...)
One is always quick to blame others for one's own poor choices. And running away isn't the answer. Here I am again, facing my age-old struggle with making choices and nailing my colours to the mast.
Oh, and I highly recommend hanging out with therapists when trying to make any decisions. It's proving to be a psychological Easter work out.
It's been a month now since I got back from Borneo; I wanted to write about it at the time but a stint cat-sitting in East Dulwich rather took up my time. In a way, this is a good thing, as I am now through the melt-down I've been having since my return. I think this would have read very differently a couple weeks ago: it has stirred up all sorts of emotions and needs (which I shall deal with one at a time!)
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