Edinburgh 2009

Edinburgh was great last night: it felt really international, so many tourists here for the street party. I made friends with some Australians (again). Groove Armada were as storming as ever, I'd forgotten how good they can be.

I'm in the middle of packing up for the drive to London tomorrow. I still haven't quite got my head around this move: just when everything is slowly coming together here. It's always the same feeling; I felt it really strongly when leaving Salt Lake too. Still, I'm really looking forward to getting back to work proper and have spent the equivalent of a ski holiday on a new wardrobe. What a choice to make!! The skis are still at Dad's - but they winked at me every time I went into the attic over Christmas. You never know.

Happy New Year.

The next chapter

I started this blog when I came back in May, really as a form of therapy to ease me back into the real world and into Scotland. And now, finally, I think I'm out the other side. I only realised this a few weeks ago: I wasn't hankering after what had been and instead was much more focused on what next, where I want to get involved and make a difference. I'm a whole lot clearer on that one now.

Edinburgh is shaping up nicely. John, Pippa and Fiona are looking after me in different ways and I'm meeting some good people. My Glasgow friends are helping me out too. And it is great to see my brother, Paula and Beinn more often. Duke of Edinburgh is proving challenging but fun - how do you keep a room of fifty 14 year olds occupied for an hour? I've found a great group who are interested in spiritual philosophy and meditation and I'm loving all of that, people with whom to talk about the meaning of life! And I love the size of the place, you can cycle everywhere in 20 minutes.

The only real fly in the ointment is work. Finding interesting roles is a challenge. I think this is partly down to the economic situation, partly lack of clarity on my part, and of course the fact there just aren't the same range of opportunities here. And I'm trying to make a bit of shift without a real network to connect me to the possibilities.

Add to this recent contact with my old boss who may have an opportunity for me and I'm feeling quite torn. Is it back to London for now? Exploring the options will help me decide. If it is, it won't be back to old life, I'm confident of that. But I'm not ready to slip into my pipe and slippers quite yet and I mustn't commit myself to something in that environment, I'll be going mad in 6 months. I need to get into a decent role again, I feel I'm stagnating and it is bloody boring. Not to mention the money situtation which is worse than awful.

Whatever decision, I'm there. I've been and seen and am out the other side and feel it is time for this blog to come to an end. Once I find an interesting topic on which to write, I'll start another. Time for the next chapter; thanks for tuning in.

FANTASTIC

I've been watching the youtube Obama video that Tamsin posted this morning. It is indeed inspirational. What's interesting though is the running commentary being posted under it every few seconds. Some of the racist comments are shocking and to me, really shows why this is still such big, big news. As a 'bleeding heart liberal', sometimes I forget all do not think the way we do.

Aside from any of that, no more George W Bush. Thank goodness.

I'm struck that we can see the crash of the financial system followed by this inspirational news, all within six weeks or so. Times are a changing and we can - we must - make a contribution in whatever way is possible for us.

Oh, and of course I did cry when it was announced at around 4am. Pretty predictable really!

Is anyone else excited?

I am. I know he's not perfect, but he's the best chance for some change.

Think I may have to stay up and watch the victory. In fact I might even cry when he wins and I'm not African-American, or even American.

What we need is a similar evangelical, principled figure to shake up the British establishment. Perhaps that too will happen as we go into this downturn. I do hope we all become more involved as opposed to more individualistic and/or apathetic. Today, that's what I feel is happening within me. On days where 'THE FEAR' is paralysing me I'm just as self-obsessed as ever. Still, baby steps forward.

THE FEAR

Rabbit in the headlights. That's how I feel.

6 months into rehab and I think I'm now out of the traveller's mindset. Feeling very back in the real world at the moment; anxious, unsure, have ideas, don't know how to execute them, wondering if I've made the right choice - what's more important to me, place or interesting work, worried about money/ economy, bit bored, miss my close friends - all resulting in CHRONIC procrastination and a huge desire to f*ck off again.

Feels just like before I left. Self-obsessed and unable to enjoy the moment. It's getting to the scary point, I am going to have to commit to something. Oh my God, I can feel my palpitations rising as I type. Do I have to face it? Really? Why am I so unable to nail my colours to a mast? All pop psychology welcome!

Bored

Yo has just commented I've not written for a little while. True. I was building up to another post about the economy, but it's just so doom and gloom I can't bear to tune in at the moment. I can't control it and it's too worrying for me to listen all the time, given this contract will be up in a month's time and the irons in the fire have all gone decidedly cool. (Just in time for ski season? Serendipity? Discuss.)

It's killing me to be in front of a computer screen the whole time. Office underemployment doesn't suit me.

Grumpy. Bored. I hate being bored, I hate it more than being sad or upset. It's SO DULL. It's just a sort of annoyed nothingness.

I have been doing some interesting things. But the excel spreadsheets are sucking the life blood out of me so I shall have to blog about those another time.

Isn't this image kinda cool? Those little hands are bits of me trying to escape.

Interesting times continue

I feel most unsettled today; I have the sense we could be on the edge of something truly momentous. A bit like those moments when you feel you're close to understanding a truth and seeing a change in your thinking - and yet the understanding and change is somehow still eluding you. Maybe that's just me.

Another amazing week with more accepted wisdom turned on its head. Firstly, Gordon Brown. Floundering leader a month ago, the new Churchill today. Yes, that was the comparison I heard on Radio 4 yesterday. Quite how this compares with thousands being killed I am not so sure but that's by the by.

Unprecedented government intervention and cross country cooperation on interest rates - and yet the panic didn't stop, although I'm sure it will pass in time. Just where did we find £400 billion pounds to unblock lending between the banks? That's an incredible sum of money.



And then, on a much smaller scale, Iceland and the impact their fate could have on the Scottish independence movement. As Brian Taylor says, Holyrood politicians may "have to slap themselves to stop muttering "Iceland" every time the First Minister mentions small nation independent status in future." A month or two ago, independence was most definitely in the air, it was coming through the back door. As I said last week, the argument for it now seems risible.

What will it all really mean? Will it blow over in a few years of pain and we'll go back to the way we've always been? Or will we change?

I like Paul Mason's Newsnight post, and this comment: The successful outcome to the next policy response will be a prolonged recession and a heavily socialized banking system. The unsuccessful outcome could be a depression. Either way take a long look at the high-debt economy...as I write students are arriving in London to run up an average £30k of debt that will hang around them for a decade, people are paying for drinks on credit cards. Taxi drivers are passing in cabs effectively the property of the Icelandic government. So look around, as Auden might have put it:


"As the clever hopes expire, Of a low dishonest decade"


And finally.... to lighten the mood, this post Tamsin has alerted me to, which has to be the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. I love this idea of Robert Peston transformed into a ball of energy and blue light, the essence of pure news. Absolutely inspired. God, we are clever bastards in this country, aren't we? Although, clearly not, in so many ways.