THE FEAR

Rabbit in the headlights. That's how I feel.

6 months into rehab and I think I'm now out of the traveller's mindset. Feeling very back in the real world at the moment; anxious, unsure, have ideas, don't know how to execute them, wondering if I've made the right choice - what's more important to me, place or interesting work, worried about money/ economy, bit bored, miss my close friends - all resulting in CHRONIC procrastination and a huge desire to f*ck off again.

Feels just like before I left. Self-obsessed and unable to enjoy the moment. It's getting to the scary point, I am going to have to commit to something. Oh my God, I can feel my palpitations rising as I type. Do I have to face it? Really? Why am I so unable to nail my colours to a mast? All pop psychology welcome!

Relapse

Definite relapse today whilst sitting on my inactive arse trying to finish a dull presentation. I was languidly moving little coloured stars around in powerpoint and trying to follow some suggestions on how I could improve the structure and flow to sell the story more effectively. As you can imagine, my concentration didn't last long, and as if by magic, I ended up here, at Ski Independence.

This outfit are based in Edinburgh and they have North American jobs for this season! North America! When there isn't a sniff of an H2B in sight. It's a sign, I know it.

Oh God. Rang focused and committed sister for emergency chat on these very two character traits in which I am sorely lacking. Honestly, I think I have ants in my pants for my whole family. I don't know where I get it from, both my Mum and my Dad are very good at making decisions and sticking to them. Well, actually, that's perhaps not strictly true.

Sigh. Escapist fantasies of powder/ mountains/ green card/ me in another life aka Kristen Ulmer, this is her above. She does Zen-type ski breaks for a living these days. How totally cool. Should've just blown some money on a few days with her when I had the chance.