THE FEAR

Rabbit in the headlights. That's how I feel.

6 months into rehab and I think I'm now out of the traveller's mindset. Feeling very back in the real world at the moment; anxious, unsure, have ideas, don't know how to execute them, wondering if I've made the right choice - what's more important to me, place or interesting work, worried about money/ economy, bit bored, miss my close friends - all resulting in CHRONIC procrastination and a huge desire to f*ck off again.

Feels just like before I left. Self-obsessed and unable to enjoy the moment. It's getting to the scary point, I am going to have to commit to something. Oh my God, I can feel my palpitations rising as I type. Do I have to face it? Really? Why am I so unable to nail my colours to a mast? All pop psychology welcome!

Bored

Yo has just commented I've not written for a little while. True. I was building up to another post about the economy, but it's just so doom and gloom I can't bear to tune in at the moment. I can't control it and it's too worrying for me to listen all the time, given this contract will be up in a month's time and the irons in the fire have all gone decidedly cool. (Just in time for ski season? Serendipity? Discuss.)

It's killing me to be in front of a computer screen the whole time. Office underemployment doesn't suit me.

Grumpy. Bored. I hate being bored, I hate it more than being sad or upset. It's SO DULL. It's just a sort of annoyed nothingness.

I have been doing some interesting things. But the excel spreadsheets are sucking the life blood out of me so I shall have to blog about those another time.

Isn't this image kinda cool? Those little hands are bits of me trying to escape.

Interesting times continue

I feel most unsettled today; I have the sense we could be on the edge of something truly momentous. A bit like those moments when you feel you're close to understanding a truth and seeing a change in your thinking - and yet the understanding and change is somehow still eluding you. Maybe that's just me.

Another amazing week with more accepted wisdom turned on its head. Firstly, Gordon Brown. Floundering leader a month ago, the new Churchill today. Yes, that was the comparison I heard on Radio 4 yesterday. Quite how this compares with thousands being killed I am not so sure but that's by the by.

Unprecedented government intervention and cross country cooperation on interest rates - and yet the panic didn't stop, although I'm sure it will pass in time. Just where did we find £400 billion pounds to unblock lending between the banks? That's an incredible sum of money.



And then, on a much smaller scale, Iceland and the impact their fate could have on the Scottish independence movement. As Brian Taylor says, Holyrood politicians may "have to slap themselves to stop muttering "Iceland" every time the First Minister mentions small nation independent status in future." A month or two ago, independence was most definitely in the air, it was coming through the back door. As I said last week, the argument for it now seems risible.

What will it all really mean? Will it blow over in a few years of pain and we'll go back to the way we've always been? Or will we change?

I like Paul Mason's Newsnight post, and this comment: The successful outcome to the next policy response will be a prolonged recession and a heavily socialized banking system. The unsuccessful outcome could be a depression. Either way take a long look at the high-debt economy...as I write students are arriving in London to run up an average £30k of debt that will hang around them for a decade, people are paying for drinks on credit cards. Taxi drivers are passing in cabs effectively the property of the Icelandic government. So look around, as Auden might have put it:


"As the clever hopes expire, Of a low dishonest decade"


And finally.... to lighten the mood, this post Tamsin has alerted me to, which has to be the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. I love this idea of Robert Peston transformed into a ball of energy and blue light, the essence of pure news. Absolutely inspired. God, we are clever bastards in this country, aren't we? Although, clearly not, in so many ways.

Interesting times

I've been meaning to blog about the last couple weeks for a while, but I've been too busy glued to my TV screen in an attempt to decipher it all. I find it incredible that we are seeing so much government intervention from the most capitalist country in the world.

Talking of incredible, the take-over of HBoS is another one. The Bank of Scotland is such an institution here. It was founded in 1695 by an Act of the pre-Union Scots Parliament and has been tied up with so much of Scotland's history, including the Darien trade adventures which saw us get in such a mess we had to sell up to England in 1707.


I do find the argument for Scottish independence rather risible in the wake of the past few weeks; we are all so interconnected, I don't see what it would bring economically, but then, it's not really an economic argument, is it?

I do find these times somehow exciting, and I know I can say this as I have nothing to lose. I really do hope it will bring a sea change in attitudes and we will rebalance some of our materialistic excesses. That is probably rather naive - I realise I am quite young as this will be the first big downturn I've lived through on the job market. It has happened before and we've gone back to being the same greedy humans as always!!

Whether I'll find these times quite so exciting when I don't get one of these jobs and have to go live with my Dad in Montrose is quite another story. Perhaps my original plans may have to be shelved for a while, and I'll need to head back to the economic power centre / vortex that is London. We'll see; all will be clearer in the next few weeks. It is so true that the only certainty in life is uncertainty and change. It's awesome.

Transitions

What an interesting day. Off I went to meet a colleague/ new friend for lunch, ostensibly to talk about marketing roles in Edinburgh. But just a little scratch beneath the surface and we end up talking about what we really want to do in life. She intends to set up a cake shop, so Sarah, looks like you'll have competition for your American bakery chain.

Add this to a chance meeting I had earlier in the week with Lynda, my old uni friend. Given she lives in Leipzig and I've not seen her for two years, this is quite a coincidence. Turns out she's decided to give up on the marketing and train as an English-language teacher. I talked her into giving me a German refresher tonight in preparation for my Visit Scotland interview on Monday; I was pleasantly surprised at just how much of the language I remember. I'm glad, I worked really hard at it for many years.

She was telling me (in German I may add, be impressed) that she never really realised she was just going through the motions with her marketing work until she started this course. How often she'd go to evening dos and put on the face and be bored, whilst tonight she actually wanted to go out for a beer with her students.

It does beg the question: does anyone really enjoy working in marketing? Really, really, truly love it? It struck me yesterday at the Marketing Society conference too. Some very slick presentations, but not much soul. And yet I found myself missing my role and my old world and the status it conferred. Crazy.

My meetings are also a wonderful reminder that we are naturally drawn to evidence that supports our thought patterns. I was reminded of this tonight in a coaching blog I read.

It's true. But still, I'm left with the question.

Musical memories

Was out tonight in one of these style bars full of overdressed men and women. At one point I thought I'd really overdone it, felt I was hallucinating, I was surrounded by men in tuxedos. I wasn't, it was just 28 drunk guys on a stag do. (Exactly. I know as I got talking to them.)

Loads of cheesy music in this bar, but one track in particular struck home - I remember Laurent Garnier closed on it at Space in Ibiza, 2002. I tried to tell those around me how awesome it was and what a fantastic experience I'd had there. They looked at me blankly.

At the moment, it still feels like yesterday. Admittedly, I'm pissed as I write this and I can't name it, couldn't even identify it if you played it to me now. But play it again and it would all be there. Music and memories. Such emotional power. It's probably been compounded by a wasted message I got from Iain, it's his end of summer party tonight and I wish I was there.

You don't realise how fleeting these moments are at the time; they are what make life feel truly alive. If I hear that track in the nursing home, I'll still remember. As with loads of others, evoking different times. Sometimes I feel I live in memories.

Relapse

Definite relapse today whilst sitting on my inactive arse trying to finish a dull presentation. I was languidly moving little coloured stars around in powerpoint and trying to follow some suggestions on how I could improve the structure and flow to sell the story more effectively. As you can imagine, my concentration didn't last long, and as if by magic, I ended up here, at Ski Independence.

This outfit are based in Edinburgh and they have North American jobs for this season! North America! When there isn't a sniff of an H2B in sight. It's a sign, I know it.

Oh God. Rang focused and committed sister for emergency chat on these very two character traits in which I am sorely lacking. Honestly, I think I have ants in my pants for my whole family. I don't know where I get it from, both my Mum and my Dad are very good at making decisions and sticking to them. Well, actually, that's perhaps not strictly true.

Sigh. Escapist fantasies of powder/ mountains/ green card/ me in another life aka Kristen Ulmer, this is her above. She does Zen-type ski breaks for a living these days. How totally cool. Should've just blown some money on a few days with her when I had the chance.